Are You a UBM?

Greetings folks! As everyone knows, Father’s Day is right around the corner. So of  course that means that it’s time to throw shade  at all Black men. The public excoriation of brothers has become somewhat of a national pastime, with numerous participants getting their kicks in different formats. Even our commander in chief saw fit to participate in the bash-fest. If he can get in on the action, why can’t I?

And that brings us to the title of this post. We are all familiar with the notion of the Ideal Black Man (IBM) This image permeates our collective consciousness, and is embodied by President Obama, Denzel Washington, and Will Smith. However, where does that leave the rest of us? Well fellas, I hate to break it to you, but that means we’re pretty much useless. Enter the UBM or Useless Black Man.

Now before you e-ride on me, hear me out. With the margin of error for African-American men being wafer thin, many get lost in the equation. Caught between the IBM and the truly trifling cat is the everyday kind of Black man minding his business, this segment is a non-factor.

In our non-balanced way of viewing people, that’s simply not good enough. If you aren’t ideal, you’re useless. There is no in between. But heaven forbid you be… #Regla. In someways, that’s even worse. Overlooked? You useless bruh.  Accept it. If your life is not a train wreck, then you are boring as well as useless. Double shame on you. You are socially invisible and don’t deserve to be mentioned. Therefore, you are useless. #DontKillTheMessenger

In light of this, I say that it’s time for us to revel in our collective worthlessness. If you a corner-standing goon, a dime bag derelict, or an Xbox jockey, it’s time to accept it. Let’s live down to the stereotypes and do worse! Do you! Tell the mother of your children that you can’t “babysit your kids” tonight because you got an appointment to see your sidepiece. You short on money? Go ahead and cop all that stuff you don’t need anyways. The rent can wait. Just double up next month. It’s gon be aight.

If you do what you are supposed to do, it ain’t like people are gonna notice anyway. Let’s just give everyone what they expect. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a corner dice game to attend. *Takes milk and diaper money*

Happy Father’s Day weekend my brutes!

Marc W. Polite

A UBM in disguise

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