Love Stories: An Author Profile with Kim Kirkley

KK: “Love Stories” features every-day black men who are choosing loving, exclusive relationships. This is not theory. “Love Stories” is not about woman-bashing or man-bashing either. It is not about how to get over. It is not a “how to” book. “Love Stories” is chock full of stories to encourage, challenge and reinterpret what it means to be a black man. It explores some of the raw truths of men creating their identities as loving family men, whether they had a father-figure or not.

Love Stories also pays tribute to the wise, loving women who partner with these men and together make a greater whole. There are no complicated theories in this charming little book. Love Stories is a call for each of us to question our assumptions about black men, no matter how certain they may seem. Each of us is a distinct expression of the life force and we all benefit when we reveal our authentic experiences of life. This book is not the definitive text on the black man; no book could be. Reading Love Stories is meant to feel like a visit with a good friend. It is a chance to notice the ways that these men are like you and not like you. It is a chance to feel the love that binds each of us together here on earth. It champions the Love Movement! Whatever challenge we face we can persevere if we bring more love to the situation.

Being more loving is not inconsequential and it is not for the weak. Choosing love ( by that I mean appreciation, acceptance, gratitude) when fear or anger seems easier is an act of courage. With that wise choice, healing and transformation begins. This is not just a platitude.

KK: If you have given up on marriage, then you have given up on yourself. Marriage is one of the ultimate acts of self-definition. The power to create a fulfilling life-long marriage begins with you and with the right partner you can create one. It does take work. That is why I encourage every couple, dating, engaged or long-married, to take marriage education classes.

Some might wonder why there is all of this concern about marriage. Well, if you want to be really happy, marriage is virtually the only external change you can make to be the happiest you can be. Surprised? I was too. Let’s face it. Marriage gets a bad rap. But, that’s just wrong. In almost every way, people in secure romantic relationships just do better. The men interviewed in this book make it clear – a good marriage is a shock absorber for life’s inevitable bumps. We could all use a better shock absorber.

So how do you strengthen your marriage?

Marriage researchers have found that it takes an extra five hours per week for a couple to improve their marriage. Here is what they do:

·       When saying goodbye in the morning they find out at least one thing their partner will do during the day. (2 minutes x 5 days = 10 minutes)

·       At the end of the day they have a stress free reunion conversation. (20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour, 40 minutes)

·       Touching, holding, kissing, grabbing – in a word, affection, imbued with tenderness and forgiveness. (5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes)

·       Date night – just the two of them not talking about the kids or troubles – it’s all about their love. (2 hours once a week)

·       At least once every day genuinely admire and appreciate their partner. (5 minutes x 7 days – 35 minutes)

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Why put in the work?

As Martin Seligman notes in Authentic Happiness, “Marriage is a more potent happiness factor than satisfaction with job, or finances, or community.” In fact, there are few stronger predictors of happiness than a close, nurturing, equitable, intimate, lifelong companionship with one’s best friend.’ It is the married who have best withstood the privations of rural poverty, the Great Depression, and wars.” Marriage gives us the three kinds of love that we need to feel happy: the love of one who comforts us (like a child for a parent); the love of one who depends on us (like a parent for a child) and romantic love (the idealization of a peer). Marriage is a distinct social relationship that brings all of these needs together, as one.

So, yes, marriage can make you happier.  And, the more you work it, the better it gets. On to a happier marriage!

TO THE UNMARRIED: If you are not married and say that you would like to be married, make sure your desire matches your actions. As Iyanla Vanzant once said, “How come some women can find 3 husbands in ten years and you can’t find one?” I am unmarried myself and I know that sometimes my actions or inaction pushed a potential mate away. If marriage is a priority for you but you can’t seem to make that step, join the Love Stories community and receive tools that will help you let lasting love in!

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We would like to thank Kim Kirkley for taking the time to speak with us about marriage, relationships, and her experiences as an officiant. You may find the book here.

-M.P.